Thoughts

Star Wars . . .

The Box

We were cleaning out the garage this weekend when I found a small box stuffed in a corner marked "Memories" in Christopher's handwriting.  We moved into this house in April 2013 - right at the end of Christopher's senior year. It was a hectic time for all, and we asked Fer to just get the stuff out of his room and into the new house so we could get out of the old house.  So did what we all do when rushed, he grabbed what was important and threw it in a box.   This was one of those boxes.

These Are Not the Droids You are Looking For . . . 

Well, in the box was a bunch of Star Wars dolls, ahhemmm "action figures,"  and some cub scout stuff.   It brought back al kinds of memories - how he loved Star Wars, like I am sure most boys do.   It looked like most of this stuff was from 2000, right after the 1st movie in the second series came out.   In the box was a battle droid, a little Anikan Skywalker, a young Obi-Wan Kenobi, and a bunch of accessories. 

The Cub Scout stuff was very cute too. Some old hats and a bunch of merit badges, a card saying that he had been officially been made part of the "pack," and some picture of a few scout trips that he and I took in the late 1900's. Brought back a ton of memories.   I didn’t have it in my to go through the cub scout stuff yet, but I will get to is someday. For now it will be out of the garage heat and up in his room with the rest of his belongings that we haven’t gone through yet.   No rush as far as I am concerned. 

I have pulled out a few specifoc "action figures" for keeoing with me though.  I am putting the droid next to my bed and Yukon Corneilius.  The little Anikan will go in my car, and I thinnk I will put the Obi-Wan in my office at work. So I will have constant reminders of my little Star Wars Cub Scout at home, work and my car. Happy reminders that can help me get through a tough day.

Memories Should be Good

I like to walk around the neighborhood - only a few miles - but it gets me outside and thinking. As I was walking around the neighborhood this weekend, I thought a lot about Christopher. I always do.   One thing that has bothering me lately was that my most recent memories of him were all hard. Hospitalizations, awkward interactions, his sadness . . . I don’t want those memories to dominate my thought of him.  That is one of the reasons we have started and are keeping this website. It was also good to find some of his stuff this weekend unexpectedly.   It brought me back to a point of joy and happiness in his life. Things cant be much more joyful than a 9 year old boy watching Star Wars and playing in the woods with the pack. 

Words of Comfort

Cheri and I often struggled to understand Christopher at times, as I am sure that most parents with teenagers do. But in our darkest hours, a passage from a book I had read long ago helped me realize that we were not the first, nor would we be the last, family to struggle with helping a loved one.

From Norman Maclean’s A River Runs Through It:

“Each one of us here today will at one time in our lives look upon a loved one who is in need and ask the same question: We are willing to help, Lord, but what, if anything, is needed? For it is true we can seldom help those closest to us. Either we don't know what part of ourselves to give or, more often than not, the part we have to give is not wanted. And so it is that those we live with and should know, elude us. But we can still love them - we can love completely without complete understanding.”

These words helped me deal with my confusion and frustration by concentrating on love. And even though they are not truly words of comfort - the message is that no matter how hard we try, we often cannot help our loved ones - they comforted me. The passage got me to stop worrying about the why or the how and focus on love and support.

Robert Redford bought the film rights to A River Runs Through it and made it into a movie in the 1990's. And although it wasn't as good a the book (are they ever) it was powerful. They did a particulary good job portraying the scene from the passage above. I recommend that you watch the movie sometime. Chris is a lot like Paul in the movie: talented, unconventional, misunderstood, and  . . . . beautiful.

- Dad

Note: Spoliers below if you intend on watching the movie.  This is one of its last scenes.

Birthday Wishes

I wish I could see you again
For real, and not in my sleep.
To hear your deep voice
Bellowing in that yellow jeep.

I still remember that first birthday
Your face stuffed with cake.
And all the ones after,
cowboys, star wars, and the lake.

But wishes are all I have now.
And despite wanting more,
There are no more happy birthdays
And no more growing old.

You touched so many lives
With that personality and infectious smile.
You always did things your way
With your own sense of style

But I wish I could see you again
Besides in the haze of a dream,
Or in the wings of a dragonfly
Or the freshness of a breeze.

Happy 22nd Birthday Chris.

I wish,
I dream,
I miss

Love Dad.